In Despair

So, I'm new to this whole "blogging" thing. Sigh, I guess since I have no other outlet or anyone else to vent to or anyone else who truly understand me...I'll have to settle for this. Just write my feelings. I doubt it'll make me feel any better but i'll just blog...sort of a way to get a diary of the failure called "my life". I am just so miserable right now. I constantly think about suicide and just want to "do it" but I can't fathom how or where I'd do it at. I am so fuckin sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am so ready to end my life. I am so jaded and bitter and angry. I am a former shadow of myself. I don't even recognize who I become. I hate to even look in the mirror because I hate what I see. An ugly, sad, unnattractive fagg that is a waste of life.

Well, where do I begin? I am a 24-year-old gay black male from the United States. I suffer from severe clinical depression. I have no friends (except one best friend that I barely see) and no family. Right now I live in the basement of my grandmothers house do me losing virtually everything I had around May 2008 after I got sick and after unsuccessfully trying to find a job that would sustain my lifestyle after my grandmother kicked me out of the house for no reason, for over two-years.

My grandmother keeps me isolated in the basement..."locked" in the basement actually. I had to move back in with her after I lost my apartment last May because I couldn't work after I fell seriously ill for a period of time. She told me that she felt we should "maintain separate entities" before I moved back in, and she padlocked the door leading from the basement to the upstairs of the house where she resides. I don't have much of a family at all. My family is basically fucked up on both my mother and fathers side. Nobody loves me or cares about me. If I died tomorrow, I could literally count the people who'd be at my funeral on on both hands and still have fingers to spare. And most of the people who would show up would only show up out of "moral obligation" or guilt. My grandmother makes me wash my clothes at the laundromat (even though we have an in-home washer and dryer) because quote "I wasn't the cleanest person". Truth be told, I think that she was scared that because I was ill i'd somehow her ill too which was SO not the case. My mother would come over with my siblings that I wasn't raised with---on a weekly basis. Up until about a month ago, she nor the kids wouldn't even say a word to me for over four months. Only after my paternal grandmother had a talk with my maternal grandmother about how trifling the havior was...did she start to say "hi" to me.

Even though my mother didn't raise me, she has been a huge part of the problem in my life since day one. She was the main person coaxing my grandmother to kick me out the house in the first place. Even though I was working over 40 hours a week and leaving for work before my grandmother left for work and coming home after she had all ready came home, that wasn't good enough. After I finally bought something that I felt I deserved that wasn't beyond my means...a new car...I think my grandmother was sort of jealous and did not want to see me happy. Two days later she gave me a notorized 30-day eviction notice. Skipping far ahead, because I had to spend literally thousands of dollars on moving expenses...the money that I had set aside to make a substantial amount of payments on my vehicle was nearly depleated. I was able to keep my car for about two years thanks to unemployment. But, after that ran out I couldn't afford the car and the $1,000 per month rent on my apartment that I was forced to get. My car got repo'd twice. On the third time, I voluntarily surrendered my car back to the dealership. This was about six months ago. I still have nightmares about my car to this day. That car was my pride and joy. One thing in my life that brought me some happiness.

And now my grandmother is ready to kick me out again. She told me to be out by April. Knowing I don't have a job. Its nearly impossible to find anything in this economy. Especially for someone with my qualifications. I've held some pretty prestigious jobs for someone my age...including working for a bank and several contracting positions with the federal government. But, I lack a college education. And in timesl ike these, people like me are left out to dry. Speaking of college education...I remember after high school (which I didn't even graduate...I'll get to that another time) my grandmother told me she didn't feel like she should have to help me financially to go to college because "I was a horrible grandchild". Lovely words, huh lol?

My parents never took my depression seriously. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 16 after my first love dumped me. My parents allowed me to take meds but took me off a few months later. The depression started to get better but because I was taken off the meds, it progressed and got worse. Now, I'm a total wreck. I have absolutely zero motivation or will power. I see no reason to live. Even though I knew that I was at risk for losing my apartment and car...I still couldn't bring myself to get my ass up in the morning and look for a job. I tried my best...I started going to a psychiatrist. Talk about a quack. The bitch only saw me for 10-15 minutes at a time, once a month. She just prescribed me medication...it didn't help. I stopped taking the meds.

Right now I am just rambling. I know a lot won't make sense. I'm just saying what's coming to mind. Sorry for not making a detail chronological detail of the events in question. It's just so much to write. Literally, I can write about 20-pages write now and tell half the story. I honestly don't think at this point that there are any words that can truly convey the severity of my situation. And, honestly, I don't think that anyone would believe me if I found the words. Especially considering that I am only 24-years-old. There are people in their 80s who have never lived through a fraction of the shit I have. I am so tired of craying...alone mind you...and just being alone. Imagine...an almost 25-year-old man crying lol. Pretty sad and pathetic right? I am tired of being rejected...taken advantage of...used...lied to...looked down upon...everything. I am tired of going to bed alone every night when I know I fuckin deserve somebody good because I am a great human being. Always thinking of others. Always worried about other peoples feelings. LOL. Funny when you think that nobody feels the same about me.

I often feel that I am being punished by some unearthly force. Perhaps I lived a fucked up life in the past. And now in my new life I am paying for it. I have sooooo much more to vent about that literally defies belief. But I am so tired of writing now. I think I might cry in a bit. I'll continue to blog as best I can. I'm sure this won't reach many people. I guess if there's someone who could relate it would be nice. I feel the tears coming now...I think I will cry. So far 2009 has been the same as 2008. I am so scared. My health is failing...my life is failing...why bother?

Good night.