Saturday, February 21, 2009
ANOTHER WEEKEND ALONE AND MISERABLE
I am feeling like shit right now. I've only been awake for less than 2 hours and I just want to go into an eternal sleep. I think I might actually go back to sleep. There's no reason for me to be awake but to wallow in the misery of life called reality. I don't get much peace in my dreams either because I constantly have nightmares but it's better than the hell I endure and suffer while being awake. I have no outlet whatsoever. I go online on these tired ass gay websites and shit and people avoid me like the black plague. It's so unfair that everything pertaining to the gay lifestyle is centered around sex. Straight people have e-harmony and khemistry and match.com's n shit. Wholesome sites catering to people who actually want to get with someone and start something real. Us homos get sites that have nothing but sexually suggestive themes and innuendos. Anyway, i'm not finna rant a bunch on this blog. I just wanted to write to little bit since I don't have a shrink or a friend in the world to listen to or care. So blogger will be my buddy that will listen to me.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Wallowing In the Depair Called "My Life"
I'm just really bored right now and I need to vent some frustrations so I choose to blog.
Man, I just don't know what to do with myself. I am having all of these emotional highs and lows...just like someone with bi-polar. To be honest, based on what i've read on I think I have the manic side of the bi-polar disorder. I can go from an extreme, excited high to a terrible, lowly despair in a mere few minutes. It seems like not more than a half hour ago I was looking forward to relaxing for the night and looking at my favs on tv and now I'm just feeling so "what-the-fuck" and nonchalant. It's like I just want someone to knock me out and put me into a coma. I am so sick of being lonely and bored. I mean, this shit can really play with a persons psyche...or what little they have left.
Man, I just want to go out and enjoy myself. It's hard not being able to do things because you are broke or you don't have anyone to do things with. I am not a person who enjoys doing things alone so thats out of the question. Damn, nights like this when I'm all alone is the most destructive time for a person suffering depression and that bodes extremely true for me. Thats when I get to really thinking about how fucked up my life is. I get to thinking about what the hell is the purpose of going to bed tonight? I have nothing to look forward to waking up in the morning for. It'll just be the same bullshit that I endured yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. Shit, what do I have to look forward to doing??? A whole bunch of nothing. It's cold as shit outside lately and my one and only friend works seemingly 24/7...so the only thing that's left for me to do is sit around the fucking house lonely and bored out of my fucking mind!!! I am just so surprised that I am as sane as I am at this point. That I haven't completely broken down and just offed myself or been committed to some nut house for lunatics.
Man, this can't be fucking life. It can't be. I am so tired of things seeming like everyone is doing a trillion times better than me. Where the fuck is my silver lining in life? Where is my big break? When is my opportunity of a lifetime? Try as I may, the more I try and the more ambition I have...the harder I fall and the more I fail. I just can't keep doing this man. It's hard. I'm almost 25 years old and I've almost like about a good third of my life. I'll be 30 in five years. And I find myself thinking more and more about that lately. That i've been cheated out of the best years of my life. Experiences that I will never experience and never have the chance to experience ever again. And even the things that I will be able to experience later on...it just won't be the same like experiencing things in your youth. Man, I'm almost fucking 30 and i'm living worse than a lot of 15 and 16 year olds. When will it be my time to shine? When will it be my time to have fun and enjoy life. I can't remember a single period of time since I turned 18 that I was able to sit back and just have fun and not worry about a damn thing. I have been on a non-stop stress-filled train ride to doom for 7 muthafuckin years! SEVEN god damn years i've been worrying and anxious and in panic mode. Words can not even begin to describe how taxing that is on the mind and soul. As cliched as the old saying goes, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Man, I feel like I could write forever tonight but I don't even know what the fuck the purpose of rambling on anymore will achieve. No one listens anyway. I have no one who can even begin to identify with my issues. The only people who can are my best friend, my godmom, and my aunt. And my best friend is just as fucked up as I am so that literally the blind leading the blind ... my aunt is going through her own bullshit and can't really be of help ... and my godmom is on her deathbed at the tender age of 40 years old. So, once again it's just me, myself, and I. Man, chasing a bottle of asprin with a bottle of vodka is looking more and more appealing by the day. I can't continue to live this way. I am tired of being frightened that this is where my life ends. That I have long since reached the high point of my life and it's all downhill from here. If that's the case...as i've said before I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hand and put myself out of my own misery. I've always doubted being able ot do it but to be completely honest...i'm not so afraid about doing it anymore. I mean, what the hell do I have to lose lol???
Good night, cruel world.
Man, I just don't know what to do with myself. I am having all of these emotional highs and lows...just like someone with bi-polar. To be honest, based on what i've read on I think I have the manic side of the bi-polar disorder. I can go from an extreme, excited high to a terrible, lowly despair in a mere few minutes. It seems like not more than a half hour ago I was looking forward to relaxing for the night and looking at my favs on tv and now I'm just feeling so "what-the-fuck" and nonchalant. It's like I just want someone to knock me out and put me into a coma. I am so sick of being lonely and bored. I mean, this shit can really play with a persons psyche...or what little they have left.
Man, I just want to go out and enjoy myself. It's hard not being able to do things because you are broke or you don't have anyone to do things with. I am not a person who enjoys doing things alone so thats out of the question. Damn, nights like this when I'm all alone is the most destructive time for a person suffering depression and that bodes extremely true for me. Thats when I get to really thinking about how fucked up my life is. I get to thinking about what the hell is the purpose of going to bed tonight? I have nothing to look forward to waking up in the morning for. It'll just be the same bullshit that I endured yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. Shit, what do I have to look forward to doing??? A whole bunch of nothing. It's cold as shit outside lately and my one and only friend works seemingly 24/7...so the only thing that's left for me to do is sit around the fucking house lonely and bored out of my fucking mind!!! I am just so surprised that I am as sane as I am at this point. That I haven't completely broken down and just offed myself or been committed to some nut house for lunatics.
Man, this can't be fucking life. It can't be. I am so tired of things seeming like everyone is doing a trillion times better than me. Where the fuck is my silver lining in life? Where is my big break? When is my opportunity of a lifetime? Try as I may, the more I try and the more ambition I have...the harder I fall and the more I fail. I just can't keep doing this man. It's hard. I'm almost 25 years old and I've almost like about a good third of my life. I'll be 30 in five years. And I find myself thinking more and more about that lately. That i've been cheated out of the best years of my life. Experiences that I will never experience and never have the chance to experience ever again. And even the things that I will be able to experience later on...it just won't be the same like experiencing things in your youth. Man, I'm almost fucking 30 and i'm living worse than a lot of 15 and 16 year olds. When will it be my time to shine? When will it be my time to have fun and enjoy life. I can't remember a single period of time since I turned 18 that I was able to sit back and just have fun and not worry about a damn thing. I have been on a non-stop stress-filled train ride to doom for 7 muthafuckin years! SEVEN god damn years i've been worrying and anxious and in panic mode. Words can not even begin to describe how taxing that is on the mind and soul. As cliched as the old saying goes, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Man, I feel like I could write forever tonight but I don't even know what the fuck the purpose of rambling on anymore will achieve. No one listens anyway. I have no one who can even begin to identify with my issues. The only people who can are my best friend, my godmom, and my aunt. And my best friend is just as fucked up as I am so that literally the blind leading the blind ... my aunt is going through her own bullshit and can't really be of help ... and my godmom is on her deathbed at the tender age of 40 years old. So, once again it's just me, myself, and I. Man, chasing a bottle of asprin with a bottle of vodka is looking more and more appealing by the day. I can't continue to live this way. I am tired of being frightened that this is where my life ends. That I have long since reached the high point of my life and it's all downhill from here. If that's the case...as i've said before I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hand and put myself out of my own misery. I've always doubted being able ot do it but to be completely honest...i'm not so afraid about doing it anymore. I mean, what the hell do I have to lose lol???
Good night, cruel world.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Screw a Valentine's Day!!
Well, I haven't blogged in a while. Just been too preoccupied with other things. But, here I am. I am so down in the dumps tonight that I just felt then need to write my mind.
Well, as you can already tell, my beef today is with Valentine's Day. It's life, god damn ... every time I turn around there is some holiday or event that basically throws what I don't have, right in my god damn face! If it isn't enjoying that magical kiss with your lover on New Years Day at midnight ... then its friggin Valentine's Day ... or Thanksgiving or freaking Christmas! It's like, damn! I already know i'm lonely and desperate. I don't need to see everyone else enjoying what I don't have and I certainly don't need it thrown in my face.
Sorry if I sound like a grinch. But forgive me. I have been longing for a serious relationship since was 16 belive it or not. It's 9 years later and the closest thing to a relationship i've been to is this thing with some queen I met back in high school that lasted for all but a month or so. I had another so-called "boyfriend" that I wasted three months on and I only saw him a whopping THREE times and TWO of those times were forced or circumstantial encounters. The third time we weren't even involved anymore.
It's so difficult being in the gay lifestyle. That's why it kills me when people have the sheer audacity to say that being gay is a choice. The fuck it is!! Like I would choose to be lonely and miserable if I could have a traditional, proper lifestyle. Being gay is no tea party with the Queen. It's tiring and arduous. Gays are only about TWO things: sex and money. I can't even begin to convey how scary it is to come to terms with the fact that there's a very strong chance I might be alone for the rest of my life. It's beyond fathoming. I don't want to be some old ass person and falling in love. I want to enjoy love while i'm young. And it's so unfair that i'm not afforded that opportunity because gay muthafuckas aren't interested in that. They are only interested in being with every man humanly possible. I don't want to die alone and miserable with 15 cats. But, the way things appear to be, that's exactly what will end up happening.
I saw my beautiful cousin today at the mall. She was with her much less flattering friend. And both of them are out on a date right now with their boyfriends, being wooed and loved up. And here I am, grown ass man, alone and by myself in someone else's basement on the verge of tears...yet again. Life is so fucking unfair. But its okay...i'm only going to put up with but so much more of this bullshit. And then i'm taking shit into my own hands and putting an end to this miserable existence of mine. I will not and refuse to suffer forever.
Well, as you can already tell, my beef today is with Valentine's Day. It's life, god damn ... every time I turn around there is some holiday or event that basically throws what I don't have, right in my god damn face! If it isn't enjoying that magical kiss with your lover on New Years Day at midnight ... then its friggin Valentine's Day ... or Thanksgiving or freaking Christmas! It's like, damn! I already know i'm lonely and desperate. I don't need to see everyone else enjoying what I don't have and I certainly don't need it thrown in my face.
Sorry if I sound like a grinch. But forgive me. I have been longing for a serious relationship since was 16 belive it or not. It's 9 years later and the closest thing to a relationship i've been to is this thing with some queen I met back in high school that lasted for all but a month or so. I had another so-called "boyfriend" that I wasted three months on and I only saw him a whopping THREE times and TWO of those times were forced or circumstantial encounters. The third time we weren't even involved anymore.
It's so difficult being in the gay lifestyle. That's why it kills me when people have the sheer audacity to say that being gay is a choice. The fuck it is!! Like I would choose to be lonely and miserable if I could have a traditional, proper lifestyle. Being gay is no tea party with the Queen. It's tiring and arduous. Gays are only about TWO things: sex and money. I can't even begin to convey how scary it is to come to terms with the fact that there's a very strong chance I might be alone for the rest of my life. It's beyond fathoming. I don't want to be some old ass person and falling in love. I want to enjoy love while i'm young. And it's so unfair that i'm not afforded that opportunity because gay muthafuckas aren't interested in that. They are only interested in being with every man humanly possible. I don't want to die alone and miserable with 15 cats. But, the way things appear to be, that's exactly what will end up happening.
I saw my beautiful cousin today at the mall. She was with her much less flattering friend. And both of them are out on a date right now with their boyfriends, being wooed and loved up. And here I am, grown ass man, alone and by myself in someone else's basement on the verge of tears...yet again. Life is so fucking unfair. But its okay...i'm only going to put up with but so much more of this bullshit. And then i'm taking shit into my own hands and putting an end to this miserable existence of mine. I will not and refuse to suffer forever.
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