Wallowing In the Depair Called "My Life"

I'm just really bored right now and I need to vent some frustrations so I choose to blog.

Man, I just don't know what to do with myself. I am having all of these emotional highs and lows...just like someone with bi-polar. To be honest, based on what i've read on I think I have the manic side of the bi-polar disorder. I can go from an extreme, excited high to a terrible, lowly despair in a mere few minutes. It seems like not more than a half hour ago I was looking forward to relaxing for the night and looking at my favs on tv and now I'm just feeling so "what-the-fuck" and nonchalant. It's like I just want someone to knock me out and put me into a coma. I am so sick of being lonely and bored. I mean, this shit can really play with a persons psyche...or what little they have left.

Man, I just want to go out and enjoy myself. It's hard not being able to do things because you are broke or you don't have anyone to do things with. I am not a person who enjoys doing things alone so thats out of the question. Damn, nights like this when I'm all alone is the most destructive time for a person suffering depression and that bodes extremely true for me. Thats when I get to really thinking about how fucked up my life is. I get to thinking about what the hell is the purpose of going to bed tonight? I have nothing to look forward to waking up in the morning for. It'll just be the same bullshit that I endured yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. Shit, what do I have to look forward to doing??? A whole bunch of nothing. It's cold as shit outside lately and my one and only friend works seemingly 24/7...so the only thing that's left for me to do is sit around the fucking house lonely and bored out of my fucking mind!!! I am just so surprised that I am as sane as I am at this point. That I haven't completely broken down and just offed myself or been committed to some nut house for lunatics.

Man, this can't be fucking life. It can't be. I am so tired of things seeming like everyone is doing a trillion times better than me. Where the fuck is my silver lining in life? Where is my big break? When is my opportunity of a lifetime? Try as I may, the more I try and the more ambition I have...the harder I fall and the more I fail. I just can't keep doing this man. It's hard. I'm almost 25 years old and I've almost like about a good third of my life. I'll be 30 in five years. And I find myself thinking more and more about that lately. That i've been cheated out of the best years of my life. Experiences that I will never experience and never have the chance to experience ever again. And even the things that I will be able to experience later on...it just won't be the same like experiencing things in your youth. Man, I'm almost fucking 30 and i'm living worse than a lot of 15 and 16 year olds. When will it be my time to shine? When will it be my time to have fun and enjoy life. I can't remember a single period of time since I turned 18 that I was able to sit back and just have fun and not worry about a damn thing. I have been on a non-stop stress-filled train ride to doom for 7 muthafuckin years! SEVEN god damn years i've been worrying and anxious and in panic mode. Words can not even begin to describe how taxing that is on the mind and soul. As cliched as the old saying goes, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Man, I feel like I could write forever tonight but I don't even know what the fuck the purpose of rambling on anymore will achieve. No one listens anyway. I have no one who can even begin to identify with my issues. The only people who can are my best friend, my godmom, and my aunt. And my best friend is just as fucked up as I am so that literally the blind leading the blind ... my aunt is going through her own bullshit and can't really be of help ... and my godmom is on her deathbed at the tender age of 40 years old. So, once again it's just me, myself, and I. Man, chasing a bottle of asprin with a bottle of vodka is looking more and more appealing by the day. I can't continue to live this way. I am tired of being frightened that this is where my life ends. That I have long since reached the high point of my life and it's all downhill from here. If that's the case...as i've said before I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hand and put myself out of my own misery. I've always doubted being able ot do it but to be completely honest...i'm not so afraid about doing it anymore. I mean, what the hell do I have to lose lol???

Good night, cruel world.