My Last Post

I am just writing (to pretty much no one, lol) that this will be my last post on here. This blogging isn't really serving a purpose to me. Sometimes it can be slightly therapeutic to vent but in the grand scheme of things, its done nothing for me as all the venting has done nothing to solve any of my problems in the least bit and, well, no one really gives a rats ass lol. So, I will just go on living this nightmare called life and try my best to cope with my daily struggles. Have a nice life, everyone.

ANOTHER WEEKEND ALONE AND MISERABLE

I am feeling like shit right now. I've only been awake for less than 2 hours and I just want to go into an eternal sleep. I think I might actually go back to sleep. There's no reason for me to be awake but to wallow in the misery of life called reality. I don't get much peace in my dreams either because I constantly have nightmares but it's better than the hell I endure and suffer while being awake. I have no outlet whatsoever. I go online on these tired ass gay websites and shit and people avoid me like the black plague. It's so unfair that everything pertaining to the gay lifestyle is centered around sex. Straight people have e-harmony and khemistry and match.com's n shit. Wholesome sites catering to people who actually want to get with someone and start something real. Us homos get sites that have nothing but sexually suggestive themes and innuendos. Anyway, i'm not finna rant a bunch on this blog. I just wanted to write to little bit since I don't have a shrink or a friend in the world to listen to or care. So blogger will be my buddy that will listen to me.

Wallowing In the Depair Called "My Life"

I'm just really bored right now and I need to vent some frustrations so I choose to blog.

Man, I just don't know what to do with myself. I am having all of these emotional highs and lows...just like someone with bi-polar. To be honest, based on what i've read on I think I have the manic side of the bi-polar disorder. I can go from an extreme, excited high to a terrible, lowly despair in a mere few minutes. It seems like not more than a half hour ago I was looking forward to relaxing for the night and looking at my favs on tv and now I'm just feeling so "what-the-fuck" and nonchalant. It's like I just want someone to knock me out and put me into a coma. I am so sick of being lonely and bored. I mean, this shit can really play with a persons psyche...or what little they have left.

Man, I just want to go out and enjoy myself. It's hard not being able to do things because you are broke or you don't have anyone to do things with. I am not a person who enjoys doing things alone so thats out of the question. Damn, nights like this when I'm all alone is the most destructive time for a person suffering depression and that bodes extremely true for me. Thats when I get to really thinking about how fucked up my life is. I get to thinking about what the hell is the purpose of going to bed tonight? I have nothing to look forward to waking up in the morning for. It'll just be the same bullshit that I endured yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. Shit, what do I have to look forward to doing??? A whole bunch of nothing. It's cold as shit outside lately and my one and only friend works seemingly 24/7...so the only thing that's left for me to do is sit around the fucking house lonely and bored out of my fucking mind!!! I am just so surprised that I am as sane as I am at this point. That I haven't completely broken down and just offed myself or been committed to some nut house for lunatics.

Man, this can't be fucking life. It can't be. I am so tired of things seeming like everyone is doing a trillion times better than me. Where the fuck is my silver lining in life? Where is my big break? When is my opportunity of a lifetime? Try as I may, the more I try and the more ambition I have...the harder I fall and the more I fail. I just can't keep doing this man. It's hard. I'm almost 25 years old and I've almost like about a good third of my life. I'll be 30 in five years. And I find myself thinking more and more about that lately. That i've been cheated out of the best years of my life. Experiences that I will never experience and never have the chance to experience ever again. And even the things that I will be able to experience later on...it just won't be the same like experiencing things in your youth. Man, I'm almost fucking 30 and i'm living worse than a lot of 15 and 16 year olds. When will it be my time to shine? When will it be my time to have fun and enjoy life. I can't remember a single period of time since I turned 18 that I was able to sit back and just have fun and not worry about a damn thing. I have been on a non-stop stress-filled train ride to doom for 7 muthafuckin years! SEVEN god damn years i've been worrying and anxious and in panic mode. Words can not even begin to describe how taxing that is on the mind and soul. As cliched as the old saying goes, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Man, I feel like I could write forever tonight but I don't even know what the fuck the purpose of rambling on anymore will achieve. No one listens anyway. I have no one who can even begin to identify with my issues. The only people who can are my best friend, my godmom, and my aunt. And my best friend is just as fucked up as I am so that literally the blind leading the blind ... my aunt is going through her own bullshit and can't really be of help ... and my godmom is on her deathbed at the tender age of 40 years old. So, once again it's just me, myself, and I. Man, chasing a bottle of asprin with a bottle of vodka is looking more and more appealing by the day. I can't continue to live this way. I am tired of being frightened that this is where my life ends. That I have long since reached the high point of my life and it's all downhill from here. If that's the case...as i've said before I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hand and put myself out of my own misery. I've always doubted being able ot do it but to be completely honest...i'm not so afraid about doing it anymore. I mean, what the hell do I have to lose lol???

Good night, cruel world.

Screw a Valentine's Day!!

Well, I haven't blogged in a while. Just been too preoccupied with other things. But, here I am. I am so down in the dumps tonight that I just felt then need to write my mind.

Well, as you can already tell, my beef today is with Valentine's Day. It's life, god damn ... every time I turn around there is some holiday or event that basically throws what I don't have, right in my god damn face! If it isn't enjoying that magical kiss with your lover on New Years Day at midnight ... then its friggin Valentine's Day ... or Thanksgiving or freaking Christmas! It's like, damn! I already know i'm lonely and desperate. I don't need to see everyone else enjoying what I don't have and I certainly don't need it thrown in my face.

Sorry if I sound like a grinch. But forgive me. I have been longing for a serious relationship since was 16 belive it or not. It's 9 years later and the closest thing to a relationship i've been to is this thing with some queen I met back in high school that lasted for all but a month or so. I had another so-called "boyfriend" that I wasted three months on and I only saw him a whopping THREE times and TWO of those times were forced or circumstantial encounters. The third time we weren't even involved anymore.

It's so difficult being in the gay lifestyle. That's why it kills me when people have the sheer audacity to say that being gay is a choice. The fuck it is!! Like I would choose to be lonely and miserable if I could have a traditional, proper lifestyle. Being gay is no tea party with the Queen. It's tiring and arduous. Gays are only about TWO things: sex and money. I can't even begin to convey how scary it is to come to terms with the fact that there's a very strong chance I might be alone for the rest of my life. It's beyond fathoming. I don't want to be some old ass person and falling in love. I want to enjoy love while i'm young. And it's so unfair that i'm not afforded that opportunity because gay muthafuckas aren't interested in that. They are only interested in being with every man humanly possible. I don't want to die alone and miserable with 15 cats. But, the way things appear to be, that's exactly what will end up happening.

I saw my beautiful cousin today at the mall. She was with her much less flattering friend. And both of them are out on a date right now with their boyfriends, being wooed and loved up. And here I am, grown ass man, alone and by myself in someone else's basement on the verge of tears...yet again. Life is so fucking unfair. But its okay...i'm only going to put up with but so much more of this bullshit. And then i'm taking shit into my own hands and putting an end to this miserable existence of mine. I will not and refuse to suffer forever.

Ugh...I wanna go to the Inauguration Festivities!

So now i'm feeling a bit bummed because I really wanna partake in some of the Inaugural Festivities but it doesn't appear that I will be able to do so, at this time.

Shit, all of these stars and celebs right in my backyard and I can't even get out to them. I want to try to go to the free concert at the Lincoln Memorial tomorrow but that is looking so unrealistic do to Metro. I'm still debating. The biggest obstacle right now is the fact that I don't have anyone to go with. I am not the type of person that enjoys going places by myself. So, even if I decided I would try to go...it would be moot because I wouldn't wanna do it alone.

I just feel so "left out of the loop"...as friggin usual. Like I tried to get tickets to Oprah's show in DC and that bitch screwed me over. Once again, the forces of the world worked against me. I did everything that I was supposed to do to try and get those damn tickets, and still failed...all because Oprah's unprofessional staff gave me incorrect information. Fat ass bitch. That's why I don't like her now.

I guess I will just have to keep my ass at home at watch shit on tv...imagine, I am sitting at home watching events going on only a few minutes away from where I live! The fuck is that? Unfair, unfair, unfair! Yeah I know, most people would say I'm making a whole bunch outta nothing. But, Ive never been to a concert or really seen any celebs in my entire life. Yeah, pathetic, I know. But, that goes along with the rest of the sad sad miserable story that is my life.

Anyways, I guess that's my rant. I'm already feeling bad cus I had to call the ambulance over here last night because I was having some respiratory issues. I was so fucking scared. I thought I was gonna suffocate to death. Shit, PG County did good though. Those muthafuckas sent TWO fire trucks AND an ambulance to my house. Shit was crazy. We had like 6 medics up in here. I was kinda embarrassed and shit and felt like I had wasted their time but to be honest....I didn't have any other choice because I didn't know what was going on. I was really scared. Honestly, I think I was just psychin myself out. All paranoid and shit. I'm still feeling bad but I think I know what the problem is. I have Sinusitus. So Imma try and get a ride to the pharmacy to see if they can recommend something. Shit is crazy. Ive been having these breathing issues for the last month or so. Its really gotten much worse lately though.

Well, I'm through bitchin for right now. Let me go be mopy.

Down in the dumpz

Ok, so now i'm definitely feeling like the epitome of an epic failure. I am so depressed right now. I am a member of this website. And the people on there really exacerbate how pathetic my life is if that makes any sense. Like, the really make me realize how much i've missed out on life and how sad my shit is.

All of these men talking about how much they love themselves and how great everything is going for them...they have all of these friends be it online or in real life...they have traveled the world...they have all of these fancy jobs and shit. And what do I have??? I am some 25 year old, broke, unemployed fagg that nobody wants. I haven't traveled anywhere since 2002. I mean, I went to Atlantic City and the Pennsylvania Dutch Country for a day back in 2007...but that wasn't shit.

Those people really make me realize how sad my life is. All of the things I never got to experience. I feel so cheated in life. There are so many things I won't ever get to experience. And even if I do, it won't be the same like experiencing them in your youth. I feel so rejected and neglected. Just an unwanted mess. And I've finally come to terms about how much I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. From my looks to my voice to my physical features. I'm just so unhappy. I'm really thinking that death is the only option. To put me out of my misery. I just tried to call my insurance to find out about finding a therapist. I need drugs and bad. I was on hold for over 20 minutes. I finally hung up. That damned recording was driving me fucking crazy. Damn, if I was on the absolute verge of suicide I would have been fucked. Thats corporate America for you. Always on hold and shit. Nobody gives a damn until its too late.

I wish I knew why everyone hated me. Why I am so unwanted. Right now the only people hitting me up want sex. And that's it. And then they will move on to bigger and better. They tell me they find me attractive. It doesn't mean shit to me. In the end its just words to get in my pants. To use me. Well, I'm a slut anyway so I guess it doesn't matter. I should be treated like a whore. That's all i'm worth. And not even worth that much. I don't attract anyone i'd ideally be attracted to. Just a bunch of riff-raff.

Well, I'm going to go grab a bite to eat. Just needed to rant.

In Despair

So, I'm new to this whole "blogging" thing. Sigh, I guess since I have no other outlet or anyone else to vent to or anyone else who truly understand me...I'll have to settle for this. Just write my feelings. I doubt it'll make me feel any better but i'll just blog...sort of a way to get a diary of the failure called "my life". I am just so miserable right now. I constantly think about suicide and just want to "do it" but I can't fathom how or where I'd do it at. I am so fuckin sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am so ready to end my life. I am so jaded and bitter and angry. I am a former shadow of myself. I don't even recognize who I become. I hate to even look in the mirror because I hate what I see. An ugly, sad, unnattractive fagg that is a waste of life.

Well, where do I begin? I am a 24-year-old gay black male from the United States. I suffer from severe clinical depression. I have no friends (except one best friend that I barely see) and no family. Right now I live in the basement of my grandmothers house do me losing virtually everything I had around May 2008 after I got sick and after unsuccessfully trying to find a job that would sustain my lifestyle after my grandmother kicked me out of the house for no reason, for over two-years.

My grandmother keeps me isolated in the basement..."locked" in the basement actually. I had to move back in with her after I lost my apartment last May because I couldn't work after I fell seriously ill for a period of time. She told me that she felt we should "maintain separate entities" before I moved back in, and she padlocked the door leading from the basement to the upstairs of the house where she resides. I don't have much of a family at all. My family is basically fucked up on both my mother and fathers side. Nobody loves me or cares about me. If I died tomorrow, I could literally count the people who'd be at my funeral on on both hands and still have fingers to spare. And most of the people who would show up would only show up out of "moral obligation" or guilt. My grandmother makes me wash my clothes at the laundromat (even though we have an in-home washer and dryer) because quote "I wasn't the cleanest person". Truth be told, I think that she was scared that because I was ill i'd somehow her ill too which was SO not the case. My mother would come over with my siblings that I wasn't raised with---on a weekly basis. Up until about a month ago, she nor the kids wouldn't even say a word to me for over four months. Only after my paternal grandmother had a talk with my maternal grandmother about how trifling the havior was...did she start to say "hi" to me.

Even though my mother didn't raise me, she has been a huge part of the problem in my life since day one. She was the main person coaxing my grandmother to kick me out the house in the first place. Even though I was working over 40 hours a week and leaving for work before my grandmother left for work and coming home after she had all ready came home, that wasn't good enough. After I finally bought something that I felt I deserved that wasn't beyond my means...a new car...I think my grandmother was sort of jealous and did not want to see me happy. Two days later she gave me a notorized 30-day eviction notice. Skipping far ahead, because I had to spend literally thousands of dollars on moving expenses...the money that I had set aside to make a substantial amount of payments on my vehicle was nearly depleated. I was able to keep my car for about two years thanks to unemployment. But, after that ran out I couldn't afford the car and the $1,000 per month rent on my apartment that I was forced to get. My car got repo'd twice. On the third time, I voluntarily surrendered my car back to the dealership. This was about six months ago. I still have nightmares about my car to this day. That car was my pride and joy. One thing in my life that brought me some happiness.

And now my grandmother is ready to kick me out again. She told me to be out by April. Knowing I don't have a job. Its nearly impossible to find anything in this economy. Especially for someone with my qualifications. I've held some pretty prestigious jobs for someone my age...including working for a bank and several contracting positions with the federal government. But, I lack a college education. And in timesl ike these, people like me are left out to dry. Speaking of college education...I remember after high school (which I didn't even graduate...I'll get to that another time) my grandmother told me she didn't feel like she should have to help me financially to go to college because "I was a horrible grandchild". Lovely words, huh lol?

My parents never took my depression seriously. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 16 after my first love dumped me. My parents allowed me to take meds but took me off a few months later. The depression started to get better but because I was taken off the meds, it progressed and got worse. Now, I'm a total wreck. I have absolutely zero motivation or will power. I see no reason to live. Even though I knew that I was at risk for losing my apartment and car...I still couldn't bring myself to get my ass up in the morning and look for a job. I tried my best...I started going to a psychiatrist. Talk about a quack. The bitch only saw me for 10-15 minutes at a time, once a month. She just prescribed me medication...it didn't help. I stopped taking the meds.

Right now I am just rambling. I know a lot won't make sense. I'm just saying what's coming to mind. Sorry for not making a detail chronological detail of the events in question. It's just so much to write. Literally, I can write about 20-pages write now and tell half the story. I honestly don't think at this point that there are any words that can truly convey the severity of my situation. And, honestly, I don't think that anyone would believe me if I found the words. Especially considering that I am only 24-years-old. There are people in their 80s who have never lived through a fraction of the shit I have. I am so tired of craying...alone mind you...and just being alone. Imagine...an almost 25-year-old man crying lol. Pretty sad and pathetic right? I am tired of being rejected...taken advantage of...used...lied to...looked down upon...everything. I am tired of going to bed alone every night when I know I fuckin deserve somebody good because I am a great human being. Always thinking of others. Always worried about other peoples feelings. LOL. Funny when you think that nobody feels the same about me.

I often feel that I am being punished by some unearthly force. Perhaps I lived a fucked up life in the past. And now in my new life I am paying for it. I have sooooo much more to vent about that literally defies belief. But I am so tired of writing now. I think I might cry in a bit. I'll continue to blog as best I can. I'm sure this won't reach many people. I guess if there's someone who could relate it would be nice. I feel the tears coming now...I think I will cry. So far 2009 has been the same as 2008. I am so scared. My health is failing...my life is failing...why bother?

Good night.